I took the first step tonight. I contacted a therapist about setting up a consultation. I was so against this for so long, but I don’t think I can continue to put it off. I’m fine for a couple of days and then it all goes to shit again. I don’t know how to fix it. I feel like an empty shell of myself more times than not. I go through the motions, put on the right face, say the right things, and I fool people. I’ve gotten good at it. Too good. I can’t continue living like this.
I have a lot of stuff in my past, both distant and more recent, that needs to be figured out and dealt with. I’ve basically been abusing myself for years and tried to fix it by putting up the front and made everyone think I’m okay. Weakness is something I don’t like admitting to, so you can only imagine how hard it is for me to put this in words. I have myself convinced so often I’m fine, even. I’m always fine. I’m never good. The things in life which give me momentary happiness are unhealthy. I drink my problems away on a weekly basis, but we all know that only creates new ones. When I get to my worst, I do whatever I can to make sure I keep going down because when I come back up just a little bit, I can justify it as an improvement, but really, I’m worse off than when I started.
I’m not happy with where I’m at right now. I’m pissed off about NYC. I’m pissed off about men. I harbor anger towards my family for fuck all. I can go so far as to say I even hate myself sometimes. But you’d never know. I’m so good at hiding it. I don’t know how to reveal myself and let people in and truly open up. I’m terrified of what’s going to break the surface. I don’t know if I’m ready for it.
I found a woman who specializes in almost every category I think I fall into. She’s well educated, established, friendly looking, and hopefully a good fit. If all goes well I should hear back from her tomorrow to set something up. Initially I was thinking about going with a man, but considering they’re the root of most of my issues, I decided against it. I just need to get myself put back together. I need to stop having these breakdowns on a regular basis. It doesn’t take much anymore. You look at me the wrong way, and all of a sudden I want nothing more than to curl up in the fetal position and find a corner and just rock myself back and forth. I don’t know what it’s like to feel safe anymore. I don’t know what it’s like to be at peace with myself. I don’t know what a healthy relationship is. I have so much I need to relearn, or maybe learn for the first time.
I want to learn how to love. I want to learn how to allow others to love me. I want my self worth to not be dependent on others. I want to be truly happy if for only once. I want to learn how to finish what I start. I don’t want to have my only realistic option, to myself anyway, as giving up. I’m better than that. See, I can say the words, I just need to figure out how to believe them.
I’m admitting I need help. I can count on one hand how many times in my life I’ve done that.