You may have noticed the blog looks a little different! It’s much cleaner, and I LOVE it! Thanks WordPress for coming out with an amazing new theme. You guys rock.
So I was reading through a couple of my old posts, specifically Goodbyes Suck and it triggered that same panic stricken feeling I had when I woke up not knowing where I was or what was happening or why I hurt. I never want to have to experience that again. Not with him.
There was a bit of a rough patch last night. I full well know where I stand with him, but I still flirt, I’m still pushy, I’m still suggestive, and more often than not, I’m still blunt. But I know it’s not going to get us anywhere. It’s all in fun. It’s a game, so to speak. But if things were different, it wouldn’t be a game. I would put meaning behind every single word I say.
I don’t know what’s worse right now. Being across the country and dying inside because I can’t see him, or seeing him on a regular basis and torturing myself with him so close but impossible to actually get to? They both suck. I need to get over him. Completely over him. I need my heart to line up with my head if for only this one little time in life. He can’t give me what I want. But while I want what I can’t have, I can’t bring myself to want anything else. Fucking catch 22.
I guess that no matter what, I’ll do what it takes to not fuck this up. I can still remember that feeling so clearly. And the tears that followed… I had this complete emptiness in me and it felt like someone had torn a hole through my midsection, literally. I’ve never hurt like that before, and I never want to hurt like that again.
I wish I had someone to actually talk to about this. But to find a third party who’s completely uninvolved and then catch them up on every last detail and then still have them be an unbiased source? Not likely. I’ll suffice with this medium where I don’t know if anyone actually reads anything I write, but at least I’m putting it out there. It helps to an extent.
I just keep going back to that night. The first time he walked away I felt like I was going to collapse. Never again. …Whatever it takes.