Uhm, about that…

Oh dear, I’m a tard. Haha. Seriously, I need to relax. A LOT. And I need to stop projecting onto others.

Let’s hope no one took anything seriously. I was very very sleep deprived and now I’m not. My my head is more or less on straight and all is well.

I think it’s time to grab some food since I haven’t done much of that today. It was a long night, but a fantastic day.

We now know names and there might be coffee in the very near future. I’m sort of giddy. This is awesome. 🙂

I’m a loser, baby.

I can’t win, but I think I may have finally figured something out.

He’s told me before that we can never take things further because I’m emotionally involved, want more than he can give, etc. Well, I tried taking the emotion out and that didn’t work. So, I went the other way. I took the sex out. The non-existant sex, by the way. Just the possibility of anything ever someday possibly ever… Friends only. Well that’s not fucking working out so well either.

So basically, I figured out I can’t win.

I feel like I can’t talk to him, I feel like he doesn’t want to talk to me.

But then again, I’m probably being over emotional, over analytical, and just need to stop doing all of the above.

I just want my friend. In the grand scheme of things, that’s ALL I want from him.

Pain. Not a foreign concept.

I don’t matter, do I? I’m too much. I’m not something people can handle. I just want to feel important, I want to feel loved.

I’m sick of feeling like the world is doing me a fucking favor.

I’m sick of being fucking protected. Tell me what you think you need to. Spare my god damned feelings no more, it’s not like they matter one fucking bit. Because by them being spared for the moment, you’re just making it worse in the long run.

Grow some fucking balls and tell me whats up.

Quit being afraid of hurting me, quit playing nice.

You ALL fuck me over in the end anyway, why should you be any fucking different?

I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to fall in love but I did.

I fell in love with the one thing I can’t have.

I’m more pissed at myself than I’ll allow you to believe.

He was right.

Sometimes you should listen to those who knows you better than you know yourself. However, I’m stubborn. I suppose I enjoy making myself miserable. But why? Do I not feel like I deserve better? Do I actually like this feeling? Is there something that amazing about him that I need to keep doing this to myself?

I know what I want. I know what I’m looking for. He’s not it. However, I’m never going to find quite what I want. I’m a little too picky. I think I can someday come close, though. I just have to remind myself not to settle for anything less in the meantime. I am going to be one of those people who doesn’t settle down for years because I’m too particular about men. But with something like that, why take anything but the best?

A funny conversation occurred today… I was talking with a friend of mine about Ramin, and the conversation led up to me saying “You know, it isn’t all about the sex.” He looks at me for a second and replies, “I can’t believe those words just came out of your mouth.” I still laugh thinking about it. I’m 24, female, and yes, sex is important. However, it’s not everything. It’s not anywhere near everything. Sometimes it takes me a while to realize that with certain people, but once you get past that, you really get to know, experience, and enjoy a person for who they truly are.

There’s one in particular I have in mind saying that… It took me quite some time to get to the place where I’m at now. I’m more interested in getting to know him for him rather than for what could potentially in some alternate universe transpire between us. He means so much to me. I can count on him to give me the truth. I can count on him for strength when it’s needed. He’s one of those few people that simply a “hi” from him can put me in a good mood. This is the man who I will hold all other men in comparison to. I’ll never find a duplicate, but he gives me so much hope that someone close to as wonderful as him is out there for me. I need to stop looking. I need to open myself up so I don’t miss my opportunity.

I’m giving that man a hug and a big huge thank you the next chance I get. And then I’m going to start listening more. Apparently, he’s always right.

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Distractions

They always come at the most opportune time. I saw Ramin today as he was driving past down 55. I didn’t realize it was him at first but I have a missed call from him, so I call back thoroughly expecting that he dialed me by mistake. It wouldn’t surprise me. But no, he meant to call. We haven’t talked since right before I got back, and he said he was wondering how I was doing and was actually thinking of me before he left work and was going to call me when he got home but decided to go ahead and ring me once he saw me. So, looks like we might be getting together tomorrow night. It’ll be nice. I need someone to take my mind off things, and he’s definitely the one to do it. I do love getting to see him since it happens so rarely. However, it always has potential to go not so well, but I think given the space we’ve had for so long, this will be a good thing. The last time I saw him for any period of time was March or April. It’s been a long while. This means I get a bed. Ohhh I’m excited. I miss that bed.

So I’ve decided I’m buying a car early in 2012. It’s been too long without one, and living where I live, I desperately need one. It’s time to suck it up and stop living to extravagantly and start paying for insurance and gas again. I’m planning on finding something cheap and paying cash for it, then saving during the life of that car for something nicer. I’m not sure what hoops I need to jump through to make this work, but I’ll figure it out. A car will help with a lot of shit going on right now. One of my biggest qualms is my lack of social life, and that can be chalked up to not being able to get around. So, time to fix it. I started looking on Craigslist just to see what was out there, and most likely I’ll be getting a mid 90s beater for what I’m hoping to pay. No worries though. Hell, I might check out dealers just to see what cheap used car I can get. I’d be more comfortable buying from a dealer anyway.

Anywho, I’m not discussing what’s on my mind currently. I have trouble putting words effectively to that situation. Let’s just say I’m worried about a friend, there’s nothing I can do, and it kills me. I wish I had the ability to just make everything better for him. I hate seeing him like this, constantly stressed and all that. It’s none of my business, it’s not my place, but I so desperately want to help in some way. I hate seeing the people I care about not in a good place. You know who you are… Anything you need, you know I’m here. I don’t know that I can do much, but I’m willing to try anything and everything if there might even be a glimmer of hope that it could do some good.

I love those close to me. I’d do anything for a number of them, even at the expense of myself. Downfall? Maybe. But I rather see them happy. It’s what makes me happy.

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Shit.

There is a conversation that needs to happen that I’m absolutely terrified of.  One, because I’m not ready for it, two because I don’t know that I’d mean it.

Some things just need to run their course without interference.

But at the same time, if it doesn’t happen, we will have a nuclear explosion on our hands eventually.

What’s more important to me? Playing a game or valuing something for what it is?

If I keep on this path, I will never get what I think I want, and I’m going to lose something so incredibly important to me.

Sometimes knowing what needs to be done is so much worse than being lost and confused.

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Broken.

Tonight I was made to see things that I’ve been trying for so long not too. Tonight I was forced to analyze things that really needed it. And I’m lost. I’m so incredibly lost. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know how to start figuring out what I want. I don’t know anything about anything anymore.

I need to start doing stuff for me. I don’t do anything for myself. Everything I do is driven by someone else. I lack motivation. How the hell do I find it?

Work is my happy place. If I could be there every day from 7 AM to 9 PM I would be. I’d tuck myself in my cube, keep my head down, and work. Non fucking stop. I throw myself into it because there’s nothing else. Work is life. Work is my hobby. How pathetic is that?

So often I wonder what I’m doing back here. I don’t think it’s regret, but it’s something.

I need a drink.