Tag Archives: East Village

Hurt.

I have to go back. I need to prove that I can make it work. New York is still home, always will be. I just wasn’t ready to walk away from everything here. I have people I love, a job I enjoy, and comfort. I find myself constantly looking at finance jobs in New York. Something keeps telling me to apply, but I can’t leave again. I just can’t do it. Not this soon. I have a lot to figure out here before I can even contemplate leaving. And everyone knows, I’d come back after a month if I left things as they are right now. I’m just not ready.

I miss it, I feel like I need to be there, but I also have a very deep sadness towards it. I feel like I abandoned it. I feel like it deserved more from me. I feel like I failed not myself but the city.

I feel like it’s a relationship that ended prematurely for all the wrong reasons and I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to make him take me back because I fucked up. I can’t just call it up and talk things through. I need to make peace though. I think a trip back is in order. Bryant Park, Central Park, Williamsburg, Lower East Side, Midtown… I need to spend time there. I need to feel the love again.

Maybe no one will ever understand what that city means to me. No one will probably ever know how affected I am by the move there and back. It’s changed me fundamentally in ways that I don’t necessarily put out there. It’s made me more reserved in a lot of ways. I think I’m just trying to protect myself from having to go through something like that again.

I still feel empty. I don’t know what’s going to fill that void, if anything.

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Life, Love, and Work

Oh. My. Gosh. Life has been pretty crazy lately. I just moved to Brooklyn Sunday morning because the woman I was living with in the East Village finally proved my point that she was bat-shit crazy. Apparently, if I’m out until 2 or 3 in the morning I MUST be fucking every guy I come across. No, it can’t be that I’m a social creature and keep meeting interesting people left and right who I want to grab beers with. That’s just silly! So I went to go see Rent Saturday night (which was amazing, they did such a GREAT job on the new production) and met up with Ricky for drinks afterwords. It was going on two months since we first talked about getting together. I was supposed to see him in June when I was here, but due to delays and what not, it just didn’t happen. Anyway, so psycho lady is bowing up my phone all night, which was still on silent from the show. And practically dead, mind you. So even if I wanted to call her back, which I didn’t, my phone would have died within two rings. Anyway, I get back around 3:30 after meeting up with a couple guys from New Zealand and throwing back a beer with them, and I come back to the apartment to this woman going off about how I’m irresponsible and a slob (this coming from a hoarder… I wish I would have taken pictures) and a slut for being out all night. Okay, if my legs would have been spread ONCE since I’ve been here, I would have taken the slut comment. If I left my shit around everywhere instead of neatly packed in my suitcase, I would have taken the slob comment. AND if I would have been ignoring responsibilities to go out, I would have accepted the irresponsible comment. HOWEVER, funny, none of the three apply. So, I look her dead in the eye, and very very calmly, ask her if she wants me to leave. She said yes, so I took advantage of it, packed my shit, and went to go live in Brooklyn. And let me tell you, life hasn’t been better since I’ve been here.

Now onto the next section, love. Oh boy, where do I begin with this? My heart ALWAYS gets me into trouble. Problem is that it wants what it can’t have, at least not in the way that it wants it. I’ve silenced it enough for now to keep me from running back to Minnesota knowing full well that if I did that, it would be worse for me than staying. Apparently I enjoy torturing myself. Well, not entirely. What sucks is that no matter how I try to convince myself, I keep thinking there’s a chance that things could work out. But there’s not, and that’s just reality. They could momentarily work out, sure, but not long term. Not how I want them to. I’ve gotten incredible good at this over the years. First was Stephen. I thought I was in love with that man and when he would straight up lie to me, I’d lie to myself in order to believe him. I made excuse after excuse for him, and it ended in heartbreak and pain. Then came Ramin. He was amazing in his own right. We had a LOT of fun together, and I still love that we met because of Stephen. He helped me get over him, and in turn, I focused all of my energy into him. What a waste that was. And then there’s this one. He’s probably reading this getting nervous that I might use a name and expose things, but silly, you should know better than that. This man has been there for me through everything. I had a school girl crush on him since day one (he doesn’t know that part) and it developed into something a lot more than that. However, due to circumstances beyond my control, there’s nothing I can do about it. The ball is in his court and he has the power. I’m okay with that. At least I’m not living my life based on a slight chance of something happening. I did that with Stephen. I KNOW things will never go much further than where they’re at now, and I’m okay with that. I’m not going to change anything for him or do anything differently. It sucks, sure, but as is life. You don’t always get what (or who) you want.

In more serious news, I had my interview with Axa today. I’m fairly sure it was just a formality to meet me and I’m thinking I have the job. I’ll know either Wednesday or Thursday. It’s a great company, nice offices, right in the heart of Midtown. Wednesday, I have an interview with Academy Fire Protection which would probably be a better job initially, but not leaving as much room for growth and advancement within the company. So more money now, or more money down the road? I guess that depends if I want to stay here or consider this an extended vacation.

I’m still struggling with staying or not staying. Sure, I love the city and love most everyone I’ve met, but it’s like the same routine in a different place. There’s more things to do, more people to meet, but still similar. I guess that’s pretty much the same for anywhere, though. I didn’t come here with the intention off reinventing myself. I came here with the intention to succeed doing what I do best: being me. I’d like to think I’m doing a pretty good job of it.

In the meantime, I think I’m going to go meet some more people, make some friends, and see where life takes me. It’s all an adventure. I’m just living it.

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