Tag Archives: Leaving

Hurt.

I have to go back. I need to prove that I can make it work. New York is still home, always will be. I just wasn’t ready to walk away from everything here. I have people I love, a job I enjoy, and comfort. I find myself constantly looking at finance jobs in New York. Something keeps telling me to apply, but I can’t leave again. I just can’t do it. Not this soon. I have a lot to figure out here before I can even contemplate leaving. And everyone knows, I’d come back after a month if I left things as they are right now. I’m just not ready.

I miss it, I feel like I need to be there, but I also have a very deep sadness towards it. I feel like I abandoned it. I feel like it deserved more from me. I feel like I failed not myself but the city.

I feel like it’s a relationship that ended prematurely for all the wrong reasons and I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to make him take me back because I fucked up. I can’t just call it up and talk things through. I need to make peace though. I think a trip back is in order. Bryant Park, Central Park, Williamsburg, Lower East Side, Midtown… I need to spend time there. I need to feel the love again.

Maybe no one will ever understand what that city means to me. No one will probably ever know how affected I am by the move there and back. It’s changed me fundamentally in ways that I don’t necessarily put out there. It’s made me more reserved in a lot of ways. I think I’m just trying to protect myself from having to go through something like that again.

I still feel empty. I don’t know what’s going to fill that void, if anything.

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Home already?

I’m considering going back to Minneapolis.

I have my reasons and they’re mine and mine alone. It’s not because of anyone here or there but because I have standards and in order to survive here I’m having to drop below those. Not like you’re thinking. I’m not sleeping with anyone for a place to live or anything like that, but I just don’t like how things are going and as of now and for the foreseeable future, I’m incapable of changing the direction of things.

I’m rather comfortable here. I really am. But the price at which that comfort comes puts me at unease. At this point, I’m not even concerned with the perception people would have if I come back. For me to say that and mean it is a really big thing.

Everyday I miss work. I miss how life was. I guess there’s something to be said for not knowing what you have until it’s gone. I wish I knew what I was doing. I wish I was capable of making this work without help from others. That’s what’s getting at me. The price for help isn’t worth it in my eyes.

At the same time, I’m not ready to go. But I have to make a change. I need someone to talk this over with. So, I wait for the call. There’s one who I trust with everything, and that’s the one who will set me straight, whichever way that is.

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It’s real!

Okay, it’s finally starting to set in that I’m leaving for NYC in 30 hours. Holy shit! I’m sort of excited! And by sort of I mean very. I’m ready to go. I still have my hangups, same as before, but I’m doing better. We had a going away BBQ at my dad’s tonight which was a LOT of fun. The neighbors came, the roommates came, and Skerr came which was awesome! So very happy I got to see her before I left. She was all sad because she wouldn’t have anyone to email regularly at work or keep up on the DCM gossip with. Haha. Sad to think I really do know most of the interesting stuff happening there. Pretty sure that’s not going to change. I mean, the interesting stuff usually revolved around me, sooo…. lol.

Now for the GREAT news, I have a place to stay for (most of) August. I’ll be sharing a hotel room with Victor who is a very very kind soul working temporarily there from Cali. He has an extra bed in his hotel room at the Marriott so he offered it up to me. He’s a really cool guy, definitely going to have fun hanging out with him when our schedules allow. It’ll be perfect because it’ll buy me some time to find a place, find a solid job, and get my footing there. Holy shit, I can’t believe I’m moving!!

Is it sad that I sort of want to jump the gun and change my city on Facebook? Seriously, I think I’m more excited about that than most anything else! What a dork, I know! Alright, need to sleep. Gotta get up way too early tomorrow.

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All better!

And just like that, I’m doing alright. I simply decided that I wasn’t going to let the emotions take over and I’ve been doing great since then! However, a new one emerged, and I’m confused for all sorts of different reasons. But no talk of that right now. No time.

I have so much that needs to get done. I have no idea what I’m doing with everything. I need to make a second pass through my closet and make sure I’m only taking the necessities. I was able to get rid of eight bags of clothes which will all be donated. I’m hoping to have a ninth bag by the end of it. I have one small load of laundry to do which consists of the clothes I’ve been wearing for the last few days, then decide what’s going in which bag and PACK!

I can’t believe I’m moving to NYC. Yep, definitely in shock over it. It’s only a few days away and I’m torn because I want to go NOW but have so so so much to do.

I keep thinking that I hope I make it at least a few months out there. God, it’s going to be embarrassing if I’m back in a few weeks. Haha. I’d have to find a different job here. Ohhh god. That would be bad!

Okay, back to work. I’m laughing, I’m smiling, I’m in a great mood.

About fucking time!

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Goodbyes suck.

Talk about the most difficult 24 hours of my life. Goodbyes are no fun. Especially when you’re five deep and the only thing you want to do is hold on and not let go.

I can’t even write about this yet. It’s too new, too fresh.

I woke up in the middle of the night wondering where I was, what was happening, and then it hit me all over again. I didn’t know it could hurt like that. I’m still in shock to an extent. If things were different I wouldn’t be getting on that plane on Tuesday. We wouldn’t have said goodbye. I wouldn’t be wondering if I’m EVER going to see him again.

No, I’d be waking up next to him the happiest woman in the world. …If things were different.

Give it time and I’ll be able to rehash everything, but for now, I’d like to not kill myself, thanks.

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I’m going to miss the fuck out of that man.

Seriously, I don’t think I’ve even begun to comprehend how hard it’s going to be to turn and walk away that one last time.

Ugh.

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