Tag Archives: love

Stephen Syndrome

One feeling I always had with Stephen back in the day was that I wasn’t the only one. I mean, if I was involved with him, who’s to say another person wasn’t in the same circumstances as well? I find myself revisiting this feeling and not liking it and knowing that it’s completely irrational. This time I’m not just convincing myself I’m being irrational. I know that I am.

Just when I think I have a good grip on things…

I need a distraction, and a good one. I’ve actively started looking again. I haven’t dated in a few months, and I think it’s time I start. I may not be in the best place to get into anything serious, but who says I can’t have a little fun? I’m going to explore the world of dinner dates, coffee dates, Sunday afternoon dates… You know those times and situations where it’s rather awkward to go from date to bed. Haha. I don’t need to get laid, I need to make a connection.

Fucking biological clock. It’s ticking again. I don’t like when it does this. I probably just need a few crappy dates to shut it up.

I’m going to make myself open, though. I’ll give pretty much anyone a chance within reason. I’m not going to be superficial, I’m not going to require you have a six figure income. I will require no kids, unattached, honest, funny, charming, and kind. Not too much to ask, right?

Let’s shoot for date number one next weekend. No bars involved. This is DEFINITELY out of my comfort zone.

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I have to go back. I need to prove that I can make it work. New York is still home, always will be. I just wasn’t ready to walk away from everything here. I have people I love, a job I enjoy, and comfort. I find myself constantly looking at finance jobs in New York. Something keeps telling me to apply, but I can’t leave again. I just can’t do it. Not this soon. I have a lot to figure out here before I can even contemplate leaving. And everyone knows, I’d come back after a month if I left things as they are right now. I’m just not ready.

I miss it, I feel like I need to be there, but I also have a very deep sadness towards it. I feel like I abandoned it. I feel like it deserved more from me. I feel like I failed not myself but the city.

I feel like it’s a relationship that ended prematurely for all the wrong reasons and I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to make him take me back because I fucked up. I can’t just call it up and talk things through. I need to make peace though. I think a trip back is in order. Bryant Park, Central Park, Williamsburg, Lower East Side, Midtown… I need to spend time there. I need to feel the love again.

Maybe no one will ever understand what that city means to me. No one will probably ever know how affected I am by the move there and back. It’s changed me fundamentally in ways that I don’t necessarily put out there. It’s made me more reserved in a lot of ways. I think I’m just trying to protect myself from having to go through something like that again.

I still feel empty. I don’t know what’s going to fill that void, if anything.

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He was right.

Sometimes you should listen to those who knows you better than you know yourself. However, I’m stubborn. I suppose I enjoy making myself miserable. But why? Do I not feel like I deserve better? Do I actually like this feeling? Is there something that amazing about him that I need to keep doing this to myself?

I know what I want. I know what I’m looking for. He’s not it. However, I’m never going to find quite what I want. I’m a little too picky. I think I can someday come close, though. I just have to remind myself not to settle for anything less in the meantime. I am going to be one of those people who doesn’t settle down for years because I’m too particular about men. But with something like that, why take anything but the best?

A funny conversation occurred today… I was talking with a friend of mine about Ramin, and the conversation led up to me saying “You know, it isn’t all about the sex.” He looks at me for a second and replies, “I can’t believe those words just came out of your mouth.” I still laugh thinking about it. I’m 24, female, and yes, sex is important. However, it’s not everything. It’s not anywhere near everything. Sometimes it takes me a while to realize that with certain people, but once you get past that, you really get to know, experience, and enjoy a person for who they truly are.

There’s one in particular I have in mind saying that… It took me quite some time to get to the place where I’m at now. I’m more interested in getting to know him for him rather than for what could potentially in some alternate universe transpire between us. He means so much to me. I can count on him to give me the truth. I can count on him for strength when it’s needed. He’s one of those few people that simply a “hi” from him can put me in a good mood. This is the man who I will hold all other men in comparison to. I’ll never find a duplicate, but he gives me so much hope that someone close to as wonderful as him is out there for me. I need to stop looking. I need to open myself up so I don’t miss my opportunity.

I’m giving that man a hug and a big huge thank you the next chance I get. And then I’m going to start listening more. Apparently, he’s always right.

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It’s the journey not the destination.

I’m the kind of person who enjoys the chase more than the end result. Once I get what I was going for, I lose interest quickly. That’s why I typically go for men who are very much a challenge. I love the thrill of not knowing what’s going to happen. I love trying to figure out what’s real, what’s a game, and what’s completely fabricated in my own head. In this particular case, I’m sort of stumped.

And I fucking love it.

My end goal here is near impossible. One night. Give me just one night (una noche hahahahaha). Once I get that, yeah, I’m going to want a repeat. However, it’s one of those things where I know I can get it, so onto the next. Like Stephen… I got bored rather quickly with him. I kept going back because it was comfortable. How sad is that? And Ramin, well, I never knew what I wanted with him, so that was a little different. I gave up a few months into it though and settled. I became uninterested unless I could convince myself there was a real possibility of something else. I remember late nights at work sending texts back and forth. I always got what I wanted in those situations. Those were some fun nights when work just flew by.

But now… I feel like I’m so close sometimes and so far other times. It’s agonizing never knowing how hard I need to work. And I’m always worried about pushing boundaries, crossing lines, going where I shouldn’t. I’m never presumptuous with this one. I’m so passive I don’t know myself sometimes. Which is weird. Normally when I’m comfortable with the person I come on harder, stronger, faster. (Yeah Kanye! And Daft Punk, but mainly Kanye!) But that’s when I don’t have as much to lose.

And the loss factor is a real risk here. One night could ruin everything. Could, key word. I honestly do not think it will. I think it will be something we’ll chalk up to “Thanks, that was fun” (in the words of BNL), and we’ll go about knowing only we share a secret. Not that we don’t have any already, but none to that extent. Obviously.

I still remember the next morning leaving Steve’s. I call Maggi who was my closest friend at the time as soon as I get in my car, and I’m giddy like a school girl (ha how appropriate). She’s at Augsburg in the elevator and I tell her and she SCREAMS out “Oh my god, you slept with your professor!!” Hahaha. Augsburg is a college. I’m sure everyone in the elevator was confused as fuck about that one! Good times, good times.

He thinks I’m incredibly hung up on it. Well, him. I am but I’m not. I mean, in the moment, yes, but in the grand scheme of things, I know how the world works. And he and I don’t work together like that due to a few, uhm, roadblocks. And those roadblocks aren’t going anywhere. Permanent construction. Sort of like I-40 in Arkansas. I hate that highway.

Alright, back to doing something productive.

See, there is a bright side to all this. I always get what I want. 🙂

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Recurring Themes

You may have noticed the blog looks a little different! It’s much cleaner, and I LOVE it! Thanks WordPress for coming out with an amazing new theme. You guys rock.

So I was reading through a couple of my old posts, specifically Goodbyes Suck and it triggered that same panic stricken feeling I had when I woke up not knowing where I was or what was happening or why I hurt. I never want to have to experience that again. Not with him.

There was a bit of a rough patch last night. I full well know where I stand with him, but I still flirt, I’m still pushy, I’m still suggestive, and more often than not, I’m still blunt. But I know it’s not going to get us anywhere. It’s all in fun. It’s a game, so to speak. But if things were different, it wouldn’t be a game. I would put meaning behind every single word I say.

I don’t know what’s worse right now. Being across the country and dying inside because I can’t see him, or seeing him on a regular basis and torturing myself with him so close but impossible to actually get to? They both suck. I need to get over him. Completely over him. I need my heart to line up with my head if for only this one little time in life. He can’t give me what I want. But while I want what I can’t have, I can’t bring myself to want anything else. Fucking catch 22.

I guess that no matter what, I’ll do what it takes to not fuck this up. I can still remember that feeling so clearly. And the tears that followed… I had this complete emptiness in me and it felt like someone had torn a hole through my midsection, literally. I’ve never hurt like that before, and I never want to hurt like that again.

I wish I had someone to actually talk to about this. But to find a third party who’s completely uninvolved and then catch them up on every last detail and then still have them be an unbiased source? Not likely. I’ll suffice with this medium where I don’t know if anyone actually reads anything I write, but at least I’m putting it out there. It helps to an extent.

I just keep going back to that night. The first time he walked away I felt like I was going to collapse. Never again. …Whatever it takes.

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Good to be home

It’s official. I’m home.

I made it up to work today, filled out my required paperwork, got my offer letter, pissed in the cup, and most importantly got to see all the amazing people I missed the hell out of. However, apparently, I don’t catch hints that are dropped too awfully well. I am so like a man when it comes to these things. You know how men are when you’re subtly hitting on them they’re completely oblivious? Yep, that’s me, too. Men need to talk to me like a five year old when they want something. I don’t know how I miss these things. This is why I don’t ever take the subtle way out. If I want something, I tell you I want something. Blatantly. For example:

“Take me to that little dark corner back there where we know there’s no cameras and take off your pants.”

I think that would get the message across. Until I ran away squealing like a little girl and then let everyone else know to come take pictures.

Juuuust joking! I’d take my own. :p

Now I have time to burn until September 12 when work starts. I have no idea what I’m going to do with myself. I have no further excuse to go back up there. I’m so bummed I won’t get to see people until then. I mean, some of them, yes, but some I only see there due to circumstances.

And that’s my reason for getting out of bed and going to work. I hate weekends. And this is going to be the longest weekend ever.

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Life, Love, and Work

Oh. My. Gosh. Life has been pretty crazy lately. I just moved to Brooklyn Sunday morning because the woman I was living with in the East Village finally proved my point that she was bat-shit crazy. Apparently, if I’m out until 2 or 3 in the morning I MUST be fucking every guy I come across. No, it can’t be that I’m a social creature and keep meeting interesting people left and right who I want to grab beers with. That’s just silly! So I went to go see Rent Saturday night (which was amazing, they did such a GREAT job on the new production) and met up with Ricky for drinks afterwords. It was going on two months since we first talked about getting together. I was supposed to see him in June when I was here, but due to delays and what not, it just didn’t happen. Anyway, so psycho lady is bowing up my phone all night, which was still on silent from the show. And practically dead, mind you. So even if I wanted to call her back, which I didn’t, my phone would have died within two rings. Anyway, I get back around 3:30 after meeting up with a couple guys from New Zealand and throwing back a beer with them, and I come back to the apartment to this woman going off about how I’m irresponsible and a slob (this coming from a hoarder… I wish I would have taken pictures) and a slut for being out all night. Okay, if my legs would have been spread ONCE since I’ve been here, I would have taken the slut comment. If I left my shit around everywhere instead of neatly packed in my suitcase, I would have taken the slob comment. AND if I would have been ignoring responsibilities to go out, I would have accepted the irresponsible comment. HOWEVER, funny, none of the three apply. So, I look her dead in the eye, and very very calmly, ask her if she wants me to leave. She said yes, so I took advantage of it, packed my shit, and went to go live in Brooklyn. And let me tell you, life hasn’t been better since I’ve been here.

Now onto the next section, love. Oh boy, where do I begin with this? My heart ALWAYS gets me into trouble. Problem is that it wants what it can’t have, at least not in the way that it wants it. I’ve silenced it enough for now to keep me from running back to Minnesota knowing full well that if I did that, it would be worse for me than staying. Apparently I enjoy torturing myself. Well, not entirely. What sucks is that no matter how I try to convince myself, I keep thinking there’s a chance that things could work out. But there’s not, and that’s just reality. They could momentarily work out, sure, but not long term. Not how I want them to. I’ve gotten incredible good at this over the years. First was Stephen. I thought I was in love with that man and when he would straight up lie to me, I’d lie to myself in order to believe him. I made excuse after excuse for him, and it ended in heartbreak and pain. Then came Ramin. He was amazing in his own right. We had a LOT of fun together, and I still love that we met because of Stephen. He helped me get over him, and in turn, I focused all of my energy into him. What a waste that was. And then there’s this one. He’s probably reading this getting nervous that I might use a name and expose things, but silly, you should know better than that. This man has been there for me through everything. I had a school girl crush on him since day one (he doesn’t know that part) and it developed into something a lot more than that. However, due to circumstances beyond my control, there’s nothing I can do about it. The ball is in his court and he has the power. I’m okay with that. At least I’m not living my life based on a slight chance of something happening. I did that with Stephen. I KNOW things will never go much further than where they’re at now, and I’m okay with that. I’m not going to change anything for him or do anything differently. It sucks, sure, but as is life. You don’t always get what (or who) you want.

In more serious news, I had my interview with Axa today. I’m fairly sure it was just a formality to meet me and I’m thinking I have the job. I’ll know either Wednesday or Thursday. It’s a great company, nice offices, right in the heart of Midtown. Wednesday, I have an interview with Academy Fire Protection which would probably be a better job initially, but not leaving as much room for growth and advancement within the company. So more money now, or more money down the road? I guess that depends if I want to stay here or consider this an extended vacation.

I’m still struggling with staying or not staying. Sure, I love the city and love most everyone I’ve met, but it’s like the same routine in a different place. There’s more things to do, more people to meet, but still similar. I guess that’s pretty much the same for anywhere, though. I didn’t come here with the intention off reinventing myself. I came here with the intention to succeed doing what I do best: being me. I’d like to think I’m doing a pretty good job of it.

In the meantime, I think I’m going to go meet some more people, make some friends, and see where life takes me. It’s all an adventure. I’m just living it.

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