Tag Archives: NYC

Hurt.

I have to go back. I need to prove that I can make it work. New York is still home, always will be. I just wasn’t ready to walk away from everything here. I have people I love, a job I enjoy, and comfort. I find myself constantly looking at finance jobs in New York. Something keeps telling me to apply, but I can’t leave again. I just can’t do it. Not this soon. I have a lot to figure out here before I can even contemplate leaving. And everyone knows, I’d come back after a month if I left things as they are right now. I’m just not ready.

I miss it, I feel like I need to be there, but I also have a very deep sadness towards it. I feel like I abandoned it. I feel like it deserved more from me. I feel like I failed not myself but the city.

I feel like it’s a relationship that ended prematurely for all the wrong reasons and I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to make him take me back because I fucked up. I can’t just call it up and talk things through. I need to make peace though. I think a trip back is in order. Bryant Park, Central Park, Williamsburg, Lower East Side, Midtown… I need to spend time there. I need to feel the love again.

Maybe no one will ever understand what that city means to me. No one will probably ever know how affected I am by the move there and back. It’s changed me fundamentally in ways that I don’t necessarily put out there. It’s made me more reserved in a lot of ways. I think I’m just trying to protect myself from having to go through something like that again.

I still feel empty. I don’t know what’s going to fill that void, if anything.

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One, I get it. I was reading into things too much and I was completely off base as I always am with that particular topic so I’m just going to stop guessing.

Two, I’m home. Thank god. No more bus. Ew.

And the only two cute boys were married or gay. So not fair.

Okay, now I’m on a mission for the cuts on my feet to heal and bites on my legs to heal so I can bust out my NYC dresses and give this city a taste of what it’s been missing. Minneapolis, you are casual no more in my world. And all you girls who think you’re doing it right, you’re not. You’re a few months behind and you have the trends ALL wrong. Watch and learn bitches, watch and learn.

Two things…

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Home already?

I’m considering going back to Minneapolis.

I have my reasons and they’re mine and mine alone. It’s not because of anyone here or there but because I have standards and in order to survive here I’m having to drop below those. Not like you’re thinking. I’m not sleeping with anyone for a place to live or anything like that, but I just don’t like how things are going and as of now and for the foreseeable future, I’m incapable of changing the direction of things.

I’m rather comfortable here. I really am. But the price at which that comfort comes puts me at unease. At this point, I’m not even concerned with the perception people would have if I come back. For me to say that and mean it is a really big thing.

Everyday I miss work. I miss how life was. I guess there’s something to be said for not knowing what you have until it’s gone. I wish I knew what I was doing. I wish I was capable of making this work without help from others. That’s what’s getting at me. The price for help isn’t worth it in my eyes.

At the same time, I’m not ready to go. But I have to make a change. I need someone to talk this over with. So, I wait for the call. There’s one who I trust with everything, and that’s the one who will set me straight, whichever way that is.

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Life, Love, and Work

Oh. My. Gosh. Life has been pretty crazy lately. I just moved to Brooklyn Sunday morning because the woman I was living with in the East Village finally proved my point that she was bat-shit crazy. Apparently, if I’m out until 2 or 3 in the morning I MUST be fucking every guy I come across. No, it can’t be that I’m a social creature and keep meeting interesting people left and right who I want to grab beers with. That’s just silly! So I went to go see Rent Saturday night (which was amazing, they did such a GREAT job on the new production) and met up with Ricky for drinks afterwords. It was going on two months since we first talked about getting together. I was supposed to see him in June when I was here, but due to delays and what not, it just didn’t happen. Anyway, so psycho lady is bowing up my phone all night, which was still on silent from the show. And practically dead, mind you. So even if I wanted to call her back, which I didn’t, my phone would have died within two rings. Anyway, I get back around 3:30 after meeting up with a couple guys from New Zealand and throwing back a beer with them, and I come back to the apartment to this woman going off about how I’m irresponsible and a slob (this coming from a hoarder… I wish I would have taken pictures) and a slut for being out all night. Okay, if my legs would have been spread ONCE since I’ve been here, I would have taken the slut comment. If I left my shit around everywhere instead of neatly packed in my suitcase, I would have taken the slob comment. AND if I would have been ignoring responsibilities to go out, I would have accepted the irresponsible comment. HOWEVER, funny, none of the three apply. So, I look her dead in the eye, and very very calmly, ask her if she wants me to leave. She said yes, so I took advantage of it, packed my shit, and went to go live in Brooklyn. And let me tell you, life hasn’t been better since I’ve been here.

Now onto the next section, love. Oh boy, where do I begin with this? My heart ALWAYS gets me into trouble. Problem is that it wants what it can’t have, at least not in the way that it wants it. I’ve silenced it enough for now to keep me from running back to Minnesota knowing full well that if I did that, it would be worse for me than staying. Apparently I enjoy torturing myself. Well, not entirely. What sucks is that no matter how I try to convince myself, I keep thinking there’s a chance that things could work out. But there’s not, and that’s just reality. They could momentarily work out, sure, but not long term. Not how I want them to. I’ve gotten incredible good at this over the years. First was Stephen. I thought I was in love with that man and when he would straight up lie to me, I’d lie to myself in order to believe him. I made excuse after excuse for him, and it ended in heartbreak and pain. Then came Ramin. He was amazing in his own right. We had a LOT of fun together, and I still love that we met because of Stephen. He helped me get over him, and in turn, I focused all of my energy into him. What a waste that was. And then there’s this one. He’s probably reading this getting nervous that I might use a name and expose things, but silly, you should know better than that. This man has been there for me through everything. I had a school girl crush on him since day one (he doesn’t know that part) and it developed into something a lot more than that. However, due to circumstances beyond my control, there’s nothing I can do about it. The ball is in his court and he has the power. I’m okay with that. At least I’m not living my life based on a slight chance of something happening. I did that with Stephen. I KNOW things will never go much further than where they’re at now, and I’m okay with that. I’m not going to change anything for him or do anything differently. It sucks, sure, but as is life. You don’t always get what (or who) you want.

In more serious news, I had my interview with Axa today. I’m fairly sure it was just a formality to meet me and I’m thinking I have the job. I’ll know either Wednesday or Thursday. It’s a great company, nice offices, right in the heart of Midtown. Wednesday, I have an interview with Academy Fire Protection which would probably be a better job initially, but not leaving as much room for growth and advancement within the company. So more money now, or more money down the road? I guess that depends if I want to stay here or consider this an extended vacation.

I’m still struggling with staying or not staying. Sure, I love the city and love most everyone I’ve met, but it’s like the same routine in a different place. There’s more things to do, more people to meet, but still similar. I guess that’s pretty much the same for anywhere, though. I didn’t come here with the intention off reinventing myself. I came here with the intention to succeed doing what I do best: being me. I’d like to think I’m doing a pretty good job of it.

In the meantime, I think I’m going to go meet some more people, make some friends, and see where life takes me. It’s all an adventure. I’m just living it.

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I feel like Carrie Bradshaw with all these men!

It’s official. I love this city. I went out to this great wine bar last night on the west side with Chris who is the perfect mix of Landon and Ramin with a little mix of a former DCM employee thrown in there. No names on that one since I don’t know him personally and I’m not dragging anyone into it who doesn’t need to be. Haha. We split an amazing bottle of red, not even sure what it was. The waitress said a bunch of Italian sounding words and it was dry and full-bodied and delicious. Unfortunately, he had to work like a normal person, so we wrapped things up at about midnight and I made my way over to the Upper East Side to go chill with Joe, who happens to be a chef who’s been featured in Food & Wine. This guy’s 25. I gotta say, that’s mildly impressive. On my way over there, I stopped off in Times Square to grab a bite to eat and I decided to grab a cab rather than take the subway due to pure laziness which, I must say, was a good idea.

I was in my cab, and another pulls up on my right side. The driver kept looking at me, so finally I give him some acknowledgement. He’s saying to get in his cab and of course, he has a fare, so I’m not going to displace anyone. So he’s all telling me to roll down my window, which I do, and he’s trying to get my number from me. I give it. Haha. So we might be getting together later tonight when he’s off. Not sure, as I am exhausted from yesterday and really lacking motivation to do much of anything. I’m supposed to grab lunch with Adesh tomorrow and if I go out tonight, not sure that I’m going to have energy for that tomorrow. So much to do!

So now for the REALLY good news. I have an interview next week for a sales position here in Queens which would be AWESOME if I got! Starting for a full time position is 60K plus benefits plus commission. Uhm, hellloooo!!!! I could be okay with that! So everyone, keep all your fingers and toes crossed and let’s hope I get this! I could actually ENJOY living here with a starting salary at that level!

That’s all I got for now. I need to go have some crazy adventures to write about soon. I’m good at having those. 🙂

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It’s real!

Okay, it’s finally starting to set in that I’m leaving for NYC in 30 hours. Holy shit! I’m sort of excited! And by sort of I mean very. I’m ready to go. I still have my hangups, same as before, but I’m doing better. We had a going away BBQ at my dad’s tonight which was a LOT of fun. The neighbors came, the roommates came, and Skerr came which was awesome! So very happy I got to see her before I left. She was all sad because she wouldn’t have anyone to email regularly at work or keep up on the DCM gossip with. Haha. Sad to think I really do know most of the interesting stuff happening there. Pretty sure that’s not going to change. I mean, the interesting stuff usually revolved around me, sooo…. lol.

Now for the GREAT news, I have a place to stay for (most of) August. I’ll be sharing a hotel room with Victor who is a very very kind soul working temporarily there from Cali. He has an extra bed in his hotel room at the Marriott so he offered it up to me. He’s a really cool guy, definitely going to have fun hanging out with him when our schedules allow. It’ll be perfect because it’ll buy me some time to find a place, find a solid job, and get my footing there. Holy shit, I can’t believe I’m moving!!

Is it sad that I sort of want to jump the gun and change my city on Facebook? Seriously, I think I’m more excited about that than most anything else! What a dork, I know! Alright, need to sleep. Gotta get up way too early tomorrow.

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Almost Done With the Midwest

So close! Only a few days until the adventure begins. I’m starting this in order to keep everyone I’m leaving updated on the move and transition. But for those of you who DON’T know me and are wondering what the FUCK I’m talking about, please allow me to explain.

I’m Amy. I’m 23, female, and currently, for the moment, living in Minneapolis, MN. However, August 2nd at 6:50 AM my US Airways flight will be headed to NYC. There’s no return trip. I’m in possession of a one-way ticket. Talk about terrifying purchases. I’ve been talking about making the move for EIGHT years. You know that friend you have who always talks about doing that one thing but never does it so you get sick of hearing about it? Yeah, I’m that friend. Hell, I got sick of hearing about it. So, on a vacation there last month, I said “Fuck it. I’m moving.”

Okay, it wasn’t quite that easy. I’m leaving a KILLER job. I’m leaving amazing friends. I’m leaving family. I’m leaving my LIFE. But, the way I look at it, I’m going to find new friends, a new job, new family (so to speak, the real ones can never be replaced), and most importantly, a new life. It’s been too long since I’ve reinvented myself. Hell, it’s been too long since I’ve found myself.

Amazingly, I’m 90% alright with leaving everything behind. That 10% though… It’s a pesky little problem that has a few names attached. There’s a few select people that are hard as hell to leave. It’s to the point that I’ve questioned it multiple times thinking I should just say fuck it and stay here. When it comes down to it, no one or thing will get in my way for this. Sorry bitches, I’ve got a dream to live. (This doesn’t mean I don’t love you. <3)

So, expect regular updates. Expect pictures. Expect crazy stories. (Mom and Dad, I’ll put a warning before the REALLY crazy ones. Trust me, you might want to heed those warnings.) Expect pure joy, expect fear, expect every emotion that you could possibly imagine.

This is my life and dammit I’m going to fucking live it.

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