Tag Archives: relationships

Stephen Syndrome

One feeling I always had with Stephen back in the day was that I wasn’t the only one. I mean, if I was involved with him, who’s to say another person wasn’t in the same circumstances as well? I find myself revisiting this feeling and not liking it and knowing that it’s completely irrational. This time I’m not just convincing myself I’m being irrational. I know that I am.

Just when I think I have a good grip on things…

I need a distraction, and a good one. I’ve actively started looking again. I haven’t dated in a few months, and I think it’s time I start. I may not be in the best place to get into anything serious, but who says I can’t have a little fun? I’m going to explore the world of dinner dates, coffee dates, Sunday afternoon dates… You know those times and situations where it’s rather awkward to go from date to bed. Haha. I don’t need to get laid, I need to make a connection.

Fucking biological clock. It’s ticking again. I don’t like when it does this. I probably just need a few crappy dates to shut it up.

I’m going to make myself open, though. I’ll give pretty much anyone a chance within reason. I’m not going to be superficial, I’m not going to require you have a six figure income. I will require no kids, unattached, honest, funny, charming, and kind. Not too much to ask, right?

Let’s shoot for date number one next weekend. No bars involved. This is DEFINITELY out of my comfort zone.

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Hurt.

I have to go back. I need to prove that I can make it work. New York is still home, always will be. I just wasn’t ready to walk away from everything here. I have people I love, a job I enjoy, and comfort. I find myself constantly looking at finance jobs in New York. Something keeps telling me to apply, but I can’t leave again. I just can’t do it. Not this soon. I have a lot to figure out here before I can even contemplate leaving. And everyone knows, I’d come back after a month if I left things as they are right now. I’m just not ready.

I miss it, I feel like I need to be there, but I also have a very deep sadness towards it. I feel like I abandoned it. I feel like it deserved more from me. I feel like I failed not myself but the city.

I feel like it’s a relationship that ended prematurely for all the wrong reasons and I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to make him take me back because I fucked up. I can’t just call it up and talk things through. I need to make peace though. I think a trip back is in order. Bryant Park, Central Park, Williamsburg, Lower East Side, Midtown… I need to spend time there. I need to feel the love again.

Maybe no one will ever understand what that city means to me. No one will probably ever know how affected I am by the move there and back. It’s changed me fundamentally in ways that I don’t necessarily put out there. It’s made me more reserved in a lot of ways. I think I’m just trying to protect myself from having to go through something like that again.

I still feel empty. I don’t know what’s going to fill that void, if anything.

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