I’m the kind of person who enjoys the chase more than the end result. Once I get what I was going for, I lose interest quickly. That’s why I typically go for men who are very much a challenge. I love the thrill of not knowing what’s going to happen. I love trying to figure out what’s real, what’s a game, and what’s completely fabricated in my own head. In this particular case, I’m sort of stumped.
And I fucking love it.
My end goal here is near impossible. One night. Give me just one night (una noche hahahahaha). Once I get that, yeah, I’m going to want a repeat. However, it’s one of those things where I know I can get it, so onto the next. Like Stephen… I got bored rather quickly with him. I kept going back because it was comfortable. How sad is that? And Ramin, well, I never knew what I wanted with him, so that was a little different. I gave up a few months into it though and settled. I became uninterested unless I could convince myself there was a real possibility of something else. I remember late nights at work sending texts back and forth. I always got what I wanted in those situations. Those were some fun nights when work just flew by.
But now… I feel like I’m so close sometimes and so far other times. It’s agonizing never knowing how hard I need to work. And I’m always worried about pushing boundaries, crossing lines, going where I shouldn’t. I’m never presumptuous with this one. I’m so passive I don’t know myself sometimes. Which is weird. Normally when I’m comfortable with the person I come on harder, stronger, faster. (Yeah Kanye! And Daft Punk, but mainly Kanye!) But that’s when I don’t have as much to lose.
And the loss factor is a real risk here. One night could ruin everything. Could, key word. I honestly do not think it will. I think it will be something we’ll chalk up to “Thanks, that was fun” (in the words of BNL), and we’ll go about knowing only we share a secret. Not that we don’t have any already, but none to that extent. Obviously.
I still remember the next morning leaving Steve’s. I call Maggi who was my closest friend at the time as soon as I get in my car, and I’m giddy like a school girl (ha how appropriate). She’s at Augsburg in the elevator and I tell her and she SCREAMS out “Oh my god, you slept with your professor!!” Hahaha. Augsburg is a college. I’m sure everyone in the elevator was confused as fuck about that one! Good times, good times.
He thinks I’m incredibly hung up on it. Well, him. I am but I’m not. I mean, in the moment, yes, but in the grand scheme of things, I know how the world works. And he and I don’t work together like that due to a few, uhm, roadblocks. And those roadblocks aren’t going anywhere. Permanent construction. Sort of like I-40 in Arkansas. I hate that highway.
Alright, back to doing something productive.
See, there is a bright side to all this. I always get what I want. 🙂