Tag Archives: sex

Stephen Syndrome

One feeling I always had with Stephen back in the day was that I wasn’t the only one. I mean, if I was involved with him, who’s to say another person wasn’t in the same circumstances as well? I find myself revisiting this feeling and not liking it and knowing that it’s completely irrational. This time I’m not just convincing myself I’m being irrational. I know that I am.

Just when I think I have a good grip on things…

I need a distraction, and a good one. I’ve actively started looking again. I haven’t dated in a few months, and I think it’s time I start. I may not be in the best place to get into anything serious, but who says I can’t have a little fun? I’m going to explore the world of dinner dates, coffee dates, Sunday afternoon dates… You know those times and situations where it’s rather awkward to go from date to bed. Haha. I don’t need to get laid, I need to make a connection.

Fucking biological clock. It’s ticking again. I don’t like when it does this. I probably just need a few crappy dates to shut it up.

I’m going to make myself open, though. I’ll give pretty much anyone a chance within reason. I’m not going to be superficial, I’m not going to require you have a six figure income. I will require no kids, unattached, honest, funny, charming, and kind. Not too much to ask, right?

Let’s shoot for date number one next weekend. No bars involved. This is DEFINITELY out of my comfort zone.

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He was right.

Sometimes you should listen to those who knows you better than you know yourself. However, I’m stubborn. I suppose I enjoy making myself miserable. But why? Do I not feel like I deserve better? Do I actually like this feeling? Is there something that amazing about him that I need to keep doing this to myself?

I know what I want. I know what I’m looking for. He’s not it. However, I’m never going to find quite what I want. I’m a little too picky. I think I can someday come close, though. I just have to remind myself not to settle for anything less in the meantime. I am going to be one of those people who doesn’t settle down for years because I’m too particular about men. But with something like that, why take anything but the best?

A funny conversation occurred today… I was talking with a friend of mine about Ramin, and the conversation led up to me saying “You know, it isn’t all about the sex.” He looks at me for a second and replies, “I can’t believe those words just came out of your mouth.” I still laugh thinking about it. I’m 24, female, and yes, sex is important. However, it’s not everything. It’s not anywhere near everything. Sometimes it takes me a while to realize that with certain people, but once you get past that, you really get to know, experience, and enjoy a person for who they truly are.

There’s one in particular I have in mind saying that… It took me quite some time to get to the place where I’m at now. I’m more interested in getting to know him for him rather than for what could potentially in some alternate universe transpire between us. He means so much to me. I can count on him to give me the truth. I can count on him for strength when it’s needed. He’s one of those few people that simply a “hi” from him can put me in a good mood. This is the man who I will hold all other men in comparison to. I’ll never find a duplicate, but he gives me so much hope that someone close to as wonderful as him is out there for me. I need to stop looking. I need to open myself up so I don’t miss my opportunity.

I’m giving that man a hug and a big huge thank you the next chance I get. And then I’m going to start listening more. Apparently, he’s always right.

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It’s the journey not the destination.

I’m the kind of person who enjoys the chase more than the end result. Once I get what I was going for, I lose interest quickly. That’s why I typically go for men who are very much a challenge. I love the thrill of not knowing what’s going to happen. I love trying to figure out what’s real, what’s a game, and what’s completely fabricated in my own head. In this particular case, I’m sort of stumped.

And I fucking love it.

My end goal here is near impossible. One night. Give me just one night (una noche hahahahaha). Once I get that, yeah, I’m going to want a repeat. However, it’s one of those things where I know I can get it, so onto the next. Like Stephen… I got bored rather quickly with him. I kept going back because it was comfortable. How sad is that? And Ramin, well, I never knew what I wanted with him, so that was a little different. I gave up a few months into it though and settled. I became uninterested unless I could convince myself there was a real possibility of something else. I remember late nights at work sending texts back and forth. I always got what I wanted in those situations. Those were some fun nights when work just flew by.

But now… I feel like I’m so close sometimes and so far other times. It’s agonizing never knowing how hard I need to work. And I’m always worried about pushing boundaries, crossing lines, going where I shouldn’t. I’m never presumptuous with this one. I’m so passive I don’t know myself sometimes. Which is weird. Normally when I’m comfortable with the person I come on harder, stronger, faster. (Yeah Kanye! And Daft Punk, but mainly Kanye!) But that’s when I don’t have as much to lose.

And the loss factor is a real risk here. One night could ruin everything. Could, key word. I honestly do not think it will. I think it will be something we’ll chalk up to “Thanks, that was fun” (in the words of BNL), and we’ll go about knowing only we share a secret. Not that we don’t have any already, but none to that extent. Obviously.

I still remember the next morning leaving Steve’s. I call Maggi who was my closest friend at the time as soon as I get in my car, and I’m giddy like a school girl (ha how appropriate). She’s at Augsburg in the elevator and I tell her and she SCREAMS out “Oh my god, you slept with your professor!!” Hahaha. Augsburg is a college. I’m sure everyone in the elevator was confused as fuck about that one! Good times, good times.

He thinks I’m incredibly hung up on it. Well, him. I am but I’m not. I mean, in the moment, yes, but in the grand scheme of things, I know how the world works. And he and I don’t work together like that due to a few, uhm, roadblocks. And those roadblocks aren’t going anywhere. Permanent construction. Sort of like I-40 in Arkansas. I hate that highway.

Alright, back to doing something productive.

See, there is a bright side to all this. I always get what I want. 🙂

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